You Can't Make This Stuff Up...

Hi Ladies and Gents! Let's round out Poop Week, shall we, and continue with more stories you never wanted to hear...

Story #1

A day after the go-in-the-woods incident with Luke at the park, we went to a new park the next day (I won't tell you which one in case you don't ever want to go back). This park also lacks bathroom facilities for reasons I can't explain. Unfortunately, it also lacks proper woods-y-ness (that's a word). Ten minutes into being there, Luke had to go potty.

Looking around uncomfortably, I hissed, "Luke, scoot closer to the tree, buddy, there are a lot of other people here."

He moved two inches and proceeded to pull his pants down around his ankles. I could tell his bare bum was still visible to the passersby.

"Don't go! Don't go!" I said urgently, while at the same time trying to pull him closer to the tree. Lamentably, this action coincided with the exact moment that he started to pee and caused him to fall forward and turn sideways so that I was in the line of fire.

He peed all over my leg and foot.

I trudged off toward the car and retrieved some diaper wipes and cleaned myself up as best I could. I didn't want to leave yet, the weather was too nice and Luke was already frolicking around like nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

Ten minutes later he had to go again. I sent him behind the tree by himself.

"Mom! Mom!"

He had sidled into view with his bare bum.

I hurried over.

"What's the matter?"

Then I saw it. He had gone number 2. For a second I didn't know what I was going to do...I couldn't just leave it there. So I ran over, grabbed the wipes, wiped Luke's bum, and sent him off. I then proceeded to pick up the stuff and put it in one of Jacob's clean diapers so that it could be thrown away. I wiped down the dirt around the tree as best I could, hoping no unsuspecting child decided to hide back there.

That day was the highlight of my week.


Story #2

A few days later, Jacob was wet so I managed to take off his diaper and wipe him down before he ran away from me. I spent a few minutes trying to wrestle him into a new diaper before I gave up and decided he would be okay for a minute while I ran down to throw the diaper away in the outside trash.

As soon as I came in the door he was calling to me and I knew I had made a mistake.

"Bum! Yucky! Bum! Yucky!"

I took the stairs two at a time and he grabbed my hand to lead me into his room. I think he was genuinely a little bit frightened of what had happened. There in the middle of his floor was some poop. It looked eerily similar to something a cat would leave behind.

I'm just that lucky.


Story #3

Last night I had a couple of very vivid dreams. The first involved my children and I staying the night at my high school boyfriend's parent's house. I'm not sure why. The high school boyfriend wasn't there, just his parents and a couple of his sisters.

A little background info... I'm pretty sure these people thought I was the devil in high school.

So back to the dream.

As I laid Jacob down on their carpet to change him, he squirmed around and poop got all. over. the. floor. I frantically asked for carpet cleaner. They didn't have any. So I tried to wipe down the floor with wipes, only to make the carpet a wonderful shade of mustard yellow. All the fears about them hating me in high school washed over my brain as I woke up.

I drifted back to sleep after a few minutes of reassuring myself that it was just a terrible nightmare, only to find myself in another dream that I'm pretty sure is the manifestation of my feelings for this week.

A very large alligator was thrashing around in a shallow river while unconcerned children were floating in inner tubes dangerously close to it.


Do you have weeks like this?

Rainbow

The colors of the rainbow according to Luke. Illustrated by me.

On Raising Geeks

With Tron: Legacy in theatres, and Chris salivating over it and all things Tron, I've been reflecting a lot lately on how I got to this point in my life. The point where my house is full of geeks.

While we were dating Chris hid his geek side very well. There were no overt Star Wars themed conversations or long periods of time spent at his apartment watching him play video games (I had done that before...stupid, I'll admit...and didn't want anything to do with it again). In fact, I thought the fact that I could wipe the floor with him at Techmo Bowl on the original Nintendo was an all-in-all good sign and I relished in it heartily.

After we were married, I quickly realized the fullness of the geek I had married and for the most part, I thought it was cute and I (heaven forgive me) encouraged it. I wanted to be the cool wife who didn't nag her husband constantly about his video game playing and how he never spent time with me, so I did the best thing I could and I spent time with him in his own "private Idaho". We discovered the world of MMORPGs and World of Warcraft. Now, I'll concede that I have a little bit of geek in me too, but to a very defined point. I'll even disclose that I got so good at playing WoW that I would wield my Paladin powers in the online universe while nursing my newborn son in this one. Impressive huh?

HOWEVER, what I will not own to is the fact that it is partly my fault that our children also turned out to be geeks. You see, what I failed to realize while encouraging this behavior instead of quashing it the moment it reared its ugly head, was that really, I was nurturing the very characteristics that would be most prevalent in my own offspring.

Case in point. The other day Luke was doing his imagination thing...fighting off bad guys and what not, when he came up to me and very seriously said, "Mom! We've got to fight the MCP!"

And that's the moment I realized I'm raising my husband's clone in child form.

MCP??? Really? Now for those of you who don't speak geek, the MCP (Master Control Program) is from the original Tron movie (mediocre movie, even given leeway for it's 1980's first-of-its-kind computer graphics-- but we won't go there). Chris loves original Tron in all its light cycle glory. So does Luke.

What I'm wondering is how did I let it get to this point? Why didn't I see it coming when Chris's list of names for boys included Luke Boba Bailey and Lucius (as in Lucius from Harry Potter and/or Batman)?

A few days ago Chris came into the room, pure joy in his eyes, and told me he had earned enough points on some website to get three free posters.

"What kind of posters?" I asked.

People, I sucked in a whole lotta air when he told me, "Legend of Zelda posters!"

Naturally it begged the question, "So, where do you plan on hanging those?"

"In the study!"

"Oh."

With that one word his expression became crestfallen and I knew I had crushed a little piece of him.

"Well, I thought that's where I would hang them." he said slowly while hanging his head.

I couldn't do it. So I said, "Sure babe, it's your space, you do what you want to do with it" and I smiled.

Sigh.

I can't help it. I've got Star Wars Legos spilled over into every space of my house, but I take the geek out of him, he just wouldn't be the same. So, I guess I'll just resign myself to the fact that I'm raising geeks in this house and they might get teased, but dang it, I'll keep filling their hearts with visions of the MCP, Zelda, and Darth Vader and hope for the best.

Now, if anyone wants to reactivate my WoW account for Christmas, I think I'm gonna need it.

One for the Grandparents

Through the SPARK program in our school district we got to go on a firestation tour. Daddy got to come with us since he took the day off so that we could go to the temple. We got to sit inside the firetruck, tour the station, and Luke got to hold the fire hose and let water out.







My sister, Amanda, sent the boys a box of cowboy goodies. These mustaches were in the box and they've had fun playing with them. We are going to use them as part of their Mario Halloween costumes next week.






Painting Pumpkins




Luke started soccer this year. He is a pretty good little player, though he likes to take the ball away from his own teammates. I love seeing him in his soccer uniform. Jacob has a hard time at the games, he wants to be out on the field with everyone else.






Jacob and Daddy



Jacob playing in the sandbox. Yes, those are sand-caked boogers dripping down his face. He sneezed and before I could clean him up he face planted in the sand. Then I took pictures instead of wiping him off. I'm great like that. He didn't mind.

Double, Double Toil and Trouble; the House Will Burn, the Toilet Bubble

Eldest child has been in a weird mischievous funk.

For instance, in the span of the last two weeks he’s taken to licking things---the carpet, the walls, the baby’s head.

Yep.

The baby's head.

I’m talking full on droolage all over little brother’s slightly misshapen noggin. Not that it matters much I guess, since the baby’s always wet from his unending string of spittle, but still…it’s unnerving, you know.

Like he’s tasting him.

Now, I’m fully aware that Jake’s head looks slightly like a giant lollipop on a stick, but I’d still rather not have my three-year-old trying to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center.

In other news, the mysterious funk that has encapsulated my son has also put him on the track to having “Felony Arson” attached to his name forevermore. About the time the licking weirdness began, I started finding a variety of highly flammable objects in my oven --- a kitchen towel, a pie tin full of soft plastic baby toys, the LINT from my dryer screen. Can you say FLAMING. BALL. OF. DEATH? Fortunately, I haven’t had occasion to use the oven because my gourmet cereal dinner doesn’t involve any actual cooking.

And to top it all off, what mischievous child is void of toilet curiosity?

Luke’s had a little fascination with trying to see how much TP will actually go down the toilet all at once. The other day I overheard him in the bathroom cheering, “C’mon! Go down! C’mon! Go down!” I ran in and found him staring down into a bowl brimming with an entire roll of unrolled toilet paper.

On separate occasions I’ve also had to fish out an entire roll of TP still on the roll, his underwear, and a hand towel from the depths of toilet-dom. Who knows what might have actually made it through? The baby does happen to be missing a conspicuous amount of pacifiers. Maybe he'll do me a favor and flush the dirty laundry down the toilet.

Sigh.

I think I need a job transfer.

Little Moments

I held Luke’s small hand this morning as we walked up the stairs together. It’s not an uncommon gesture in our home, but today was different.

Today, I looked down.

Today, I looked at that little fist wrapped in my hand and I realized I was holding time. I was holding in my hand a moment that would never be again. “He’s growing too fast; getting too big”, I thought. And I found myself torn between mourning the baby I’m losing simply because time must continue to trudge onward and being awe struck at the person my little man is becoming. He’s changing every day and that is as heart-wrenching as it is electrifying. Both terrifying and exhilarating, like a roller-coaster ride you wish would stop and keep going at the same time.

And then, all too quickly, we finished our upward climb and he let go.

Preparing for Baby

Luke has been preparing for his upcoming big brother role the best way a little boy knows how....


he substituted a giant Yoda pez dispenser for a baby (surpass the wisdom of Yoda you cannot)...



he wrapped him lovingly in a blankie...



checked his throat for candy (he wouldn't want Yoda to choke)...


and put Yoda down for a nap with a slobbery kiss "nuh night".


Now, if our next child comes out looking like a Yoda who bears candy, we will be all set.

Family Pictures

We've never had family pictures taken, ever, mostly because...well, I don't really know. But, our friend Stephanie offered to do them for us for *free* because she is working on building her portfolio. Thanks Steph for the awesome pics!

Dang it! I've been trying all evening to get this slideshow to work right and when it finally came up it was fuzzy. I'm so not tech-savvy.

Well, these are some of my favorites:




I'll try and get them all up somehow and post a link on my blog.

Sweet Child of Mine

I love this kid.

I'm addicted.

He's teething right now. This is how he deals with it. It's usually accompanied by copious amounts of drool too. He gets those genetics from me. What can I say? He got the best of the best. I pity his future siblings. They'll only be able to salivate in normal proportions. Not this kiddo...he got the genes that really matter.

Blankies

Blankies. They're one of life's great comforts.

I had one when I was little and I hate to admit it....

(well actually, it doesn't bother me that much)

... but I even took it to college with me. Even uncomfortable glances from fellow students couldn't take me away from it. Unpopularity is a small price to pay for such succor and security as only a blankie can bring, I'll tell you that much.

That pink wonder was so beat up that every time I washed it I had to stuff the ragged batting back inside through one of the many patch jobs that had reopened. Sadly, it is no longer durable enough to even be held and it lies in a shrine upstairs in my attic along with some other childhood relics, now only revered from a healthy distance.

Luke has a blankie too. It is this blue blanket that he takes everywhere with him and he reminds me of Linus from Charlie Brown. He drags it all over the dirty ground and takes it with us when we go grocery shopping. I was never so careless with mine. He sleeps with it, he eats with it, he gets his diaper changed with it. I know I'll have to slowly shred it each time I wash it just so he doesn't end up taking it on business trips and the like.

Such an attachment could be genetic I'm afraid. The other day he even wanted to take it in to the tub with him when he was getting his bath.

I drew the line.

I was tired of washing it over and over again because he had to have it no matter what. (If you want to know how to feel like the worst parent ever...take a security blanket away from a two-year-old). He was reduced to an immediate fit of tears. I put it on the towel rack and assured him it would be there for him when he was clean and dry. He seemed resentful, but allowed me to hang it carefully on the rack and then began playing with his ducks. I watched for a few minutes to make sure he wouldn't try anything and then I went to put his dirty clothes in the laundry.

I'm sure you know the rest.





Yep, the all-powerful draw of the blankie was too much for him to handle and he HAD to have it in the tub with him. Hmm... this could be bigger than I thought.

Baby Mine

When Luke was tiny, I would often hold him close when he was crying and sing to him the lullaby from Dumbo called "Baby Mine". When I sang this song to him, it was just me and my baby boy. He would lay his little head on my chest and for a moment time would stand still and all I could see for eternity was him.

This afternoon, after a long void, Luke finally let me hold him again for a brief minute. So I sat there with my baby again and I rocked him back and forth, dried his tears, and sang our song. This, my friends, is the stuff of dreams.

Croup

Ugh. That's the word I would use to describe the last 24 hours.

I always thought croup was some name they had for a disease way back in the day when they didn't really know what things were or how to cure them....like "the consumption"--which is of course the way-back-in-the-day code word for tuberculosis.

Turns out, it isn't.

Turns out, Luke has it.

Short version:
Luke woke up last night gasping, coughing, and "wheezing". Luke has an inhaler for said wheezing so we gave him multiple treatments of the inhaler over a few hours. No improvement. I freak out, we go to the ER. Got there at 1 am...left at 4:30 am. They do tests, stick my baby, make him hurt, give him meds, make us wait, drive us crazy with monitors that beep, send us on our way. Ugh.

Aside: Its not that I don't like doctors or don't trust doctors...I do. My two dads are doctors, my mom is a nurse, my step-brother is a doctor, his wife is a nurse....I know a lot of doctors. That said, I don't like doctors who don't explain things to me.

After hours of being there the nurse comes in to discharge Luke and gives us a prescription and says we can go. I have to ASK her what he has. Croup. What exactly is croup? Go home and google it.

Again with the ugh.

So fast forward to today. We are tired, we are exhausted, Luke is still coughing. Nothing to worry about--just a cold that has settled in his chest (I googled it). The ER sent us home with instructions to visit our pediatrician today...so we did. He tells us the same thing, but he explains.

Aside again: I also can't stand doctors who explain, but are condescending.

Basically our conversation goes like this:

doctor: what you have here is a misunderstanding of what a wheeze is...a wheeze is this--(does wheezing sound)
me: uh-huh
doctor: luke has that bark-like cough with a stridor sound that sounds like this--(does the stridor sound)
me: uh...huh
doctor: so you need to distinguish between the wheeze and the stridor because the albuterol (inhaler) is basically ineffective when it is not a wheeze
me: ....

Ugh. I'm going to bed.

First Post

Wow, my first official post on my own official blog...I feel so cool now. Seriously, I do. I had a hard time deciding what my first post should be because, well, let's face it...a first post is like the foundation for your blog and I wanted mine to be...fabulous and funny and (as Captain Awesome would say)...awesome.

I know, I have mental flaws.

Its not the awesomeness that I imagined it to be, however, I did finally decide that this morning produced enough laughs to be blog worthy.

So, Luke escaped from me when I got him out of the tub this morning and proceeded to pee on my blanket before I could get a diaper on him. While I was cleaning up the mess he ran off again. When I checked on him a couple minutes later, I found this...Yep, he's naked and he's coloring. He must get inspiration while being in the nude. Then he found the stickers...Notice how he uses his body as a medium all its own. Very introspective wouldn't you say? Way to go my little artist, way to go.