Thursday, March 10, 2011

You Can't Make This Stuff Up...

Hi Ladies and Gents! Let's round out Poop Week, shall we, and continue with more stories you never wanted to hear...

Story #1

A day after the go-in-the-woods incident with Luke at the park, we went to a new park the next day (I won't tell you which one in case you don't ever want to go back). This park also lacks bathroom facilities for reasons I can't explain. Unfortunately, it also lacks proper woods-y-ness (that's a word). Ten minutes into being there, Luke had to go potty.

Looking around uncomfortably, I hissed, "Luke, scoot closer to the tree, buddy, there are a lot of other people here."

He moved two inches and proceeded to pull his pants down around his ankles. I could tell his bare bum was still visible to the passersby.

"Don't go! Don't go!" I said urgently, while at the same time trying to pull him closer to the tree. Lamentably, this action coincided with the exact moment that he started to pee and caused him to fall forward and turn sideways so that I was in the line of fire.

He peed all over my leg and foot.

I trudged off toward the car and retrieved some diaper wipes and cleaned myself up as best I could. I didn't want to leave yet, the weather was too nice and Luke was already frolicking around like nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

Ten minutes later he had to go again. I sent him behind the tree by himself.

"Mom! Mom!"

He had sidled into view with his bare bum.

I hurried over.

"What's the matter?"

Then I saw it. He had gone number 2. For a second I didn't know what I was going to do...I couldn't just leave it there. So I ran over, grabbed the wipes, wiped Luke's bum, and sent him off. I then proceeded to pick up the stuff and put it in one of Jacob's clean diapers so that it could be thrown away. I wiped down the dirt around the tree as best I could, hoping no unsuspecting child decided to hide back there.

That day was the highlight of my week.

Story #2

A few days later, Jacob was wet so I managed to take off his diaper and wipe him down before he ran away from me. I spent a few minutes trying to wrestle him into a new diaper before I gave up and decided he would be okay for a minute while I ran down to throw the diaper away in the outside trash.

As soon as I came in the door he was calling to me and I knew I had made a mistake.

"Bum! Yucky! Bum! Yucky!"

I took the stairs two at a time and he grabbed my hand to lead me into his room. I think he was genuinely a little bit frightened of what had happened. There in the middle of his floor was some poop. It looked eerily similar to something a cat would leave behind.

I'm just that lucky.

Story #3

Last night I had a couple of very vivid dreams. The first involved my children and I staying the night at my high school boyfriend's parent's house. I'm not sure why. The high school boyfriend wasn't there, just his parents and a couple of his sisters.

A little background info... I'm pretty sure these people thought I was the devil in high school.

So back to the dream.

As I laid Jacob down on their carpet to change him, he squirmed around and poop got all. over. the. floor. I frantically asked for carpet cleaner. They didn't have any. So I tried to wipe down the floor with wipes, only to make the carpet a wonderful shade of mustard yellow. All the fears about them hating me in high school washed over my brain as I woke up.

I drifted back to sleep after a few minutes of reassuring myself that it was just a terrible nightmare, only to find myself in another dream that I'm pretty sure is the manifestation of my feelings for this week.

A very large alligator was thrashing around in a shallow river while unconcerned children were floating in inner tubes dangerously close to it.

Do you have weeks like this?


Laura said...

I spent an blissfull hour in target with my Sister in Law yesterday talking about what its going to be like when Joe and i have a baby. With stories like these, i am really hoping for a girl lol, and that she just wont grow up haha! Oh and its really weird that my latest blog also had the same "cant make this stuff up" Title :)

Rachel Elaine said...

I'm so sorry! We're getting a good laugh on this end, but I'm sure it is so agrivating to you. Good luck. This too shall pass?