What's My Line?

It’s probably not a well-disguised fact that I have problems when it comes to speaking to people. The art of conversational flow has never been a strong talent of mine…unless they are conversations in my head. My imaginary chats are pretty phenomenal if I do say so myself and it’s really too bad all around that I can’t have those little dialogues out loud.

In real life, however, my thought/speech synapses are extraordinarily slow. I tend to be on the Twinkie level of conversational intrigue and I dread conversing with people because I know it is just going to painful for both sides. Painful. I’ve vowed, at all costs, never to start conversations and I’ve even devised ways to get out of having to continue conversations that have inadvertently sprung up.

For fellow speaking idiots, start taking notes now.

• If someone starts up a friendly little exchange, just shove food in your mouth really fast and pretend you can’t talk because social culture states very clearly that you are not allowed to speak when you have food in your mouth. Keep a stash of food handy because you never know when someone might try to “sneak-convo” you. Also, its preferable to have the food be something that is not pretty to watch someone else eat; black licorice, hard-boiled eggs, and veggie burgers do nicely.

• If there is no food around, yell loudly at your child to stop doing whatever it is he is doing. Proceed to badger the poor miscreant until he is crying inconsolably and then try and console him. If you don’t have a child, yell at someone else’s child.

• Avoid eye-contact at all costs. Nothing will start a conversation like a little bit of accidental eye-contact. If you have to, poke yourself in the eye constantly so you don't sucomb to this fatal mistake.

• If conversation just cannot be avoided, I recommend babbling some incoherent nonsense until the other party gives up all attempts at communication and sidles off with a fearful look in their eyes.

These tips have been tried (not necessarily by me) and are no-fail conversation stoppers.

You know, all of this mental maiming could be avoided if people were just allowed to have conversational teleprompters. I mean, it would give such hope to those of us doomed to idiocy if we didn’t have to do any of the actual thinking required for conversations. Before your little parleys with people, you could simply velcro the prompter onto the other party’s forehead and after they speak, it would tell you what to say. It would keep everyone who is normal from having to listen to disturbing things and it would keep you from having to say them.

For instance, instead of this:

Johnny: Suzy, how are you doing? I haven’t seen you in weeks, what have you and your little Lola been up to?

Suzy: Hi. Yeah. Uh-huh. (shovels whipped cream in her mouth and does the 'go figure' shoulder raise).

You could have this:

Johnny: Suzy, how are you doing? I haven’t seen you in weeks, what have you and your little Lola been up to?

Prompter: Well, hi Johnny. Lola and I have been swell. We’ve just been playing with puppies and making cookies every single day.

Suzy: Well, hi Johnny (squints with voracious focus)….Lola and I…swell…(tilts head to side)...we play puppies and …uh…something about cookies and day.

Johnny: .....Oh...... (sidles away fearfully)

Huh. That didn't go the way I expected. Twinkie anyone?

In a pickle

I have a problem, a conundrum, a pickle, if you will. (You know, I’ve never really understood the pickle thing. What is it supposed to mean when you are in a pickle? It makes no sense...)

Anyway.

This problem is in reference to online me. Now, normally, one shouldn’t have a problem with one’s online self because one’s online self can be anything one wants her to be. But that’s my problem. Online me is an imaginary version of real me: real me the way I would like to be and not the way I really am. And let’s just say I have a healthy imagination. This online me that I have conjured is pretty much flawless. She has millions of adoring fans who hang on her every word, just bating their breath for her next deeply humorous and inspiring piece of prose. She is, of course, intelligent and sophisticated; with a perfect manner of expression that engages everyone around her. She is never flustered in social situations, but confident that every word she utters is worth hearing.

So, what is the problem? She sounds fantastic doesn’t she?

Well, that’s just it. I despise online me. She’s too amazing and I don’t know what to do with her. She is always there mocking me with her perfect diction and witty sense of humor. She is much more friendly and approachable than real me and so everyone I know is going to want to be friends with online me instead of real me. I can see her in my mind’s eye and hear her voice whispering that she is slowly going to obliterate real me.

AAAGGGGHHHH!

As you may have guessed, this poses a real threat to my real me existence. But I have some moral issues with regards to how to “take care of” online me.

First, if I ice online me is that breaking the commandment, Thou shalt not kill? (Can real me even use the word ice in such a fashion?) I could just erase her completely and no one would ever have to know she even existed; just delete the files…on accident, of course. It would be a sad and untimely death, but I’m sure she wouldn’t even notice; and then her adoring fans would flock to real me and real me could have a chance to be in the limelight.

Second, if I do exterminate her, will I die as well because I created her and therefore she is a part of me, if only imaginary? Or will that imaginary part of me be gone for good when I kill her off in a fit of jealousy because real me wants to be what online me represents, but can’t quite get there? Or, if I do delete her, will real me take advantage of the opportunity to become better or will she be content to be the same monochromatic person she was before online me.

Finally, could I give her flaws just to make real me feel better; or does that mean that real me has flaws too and I would be better off imagining a perfect online me? She already has a slipping regard for good punctuation and grammar...I could just enhance those flaws and give her a good lisp.

Hmm…like I said, quite the pickle.

So I guess this begs the question, how do all of you deal with your online mes? Or are your online mes the same as your real life mes? And, if you tell me they are the same can I call you a rotten liar for not admitting your online me is in all ways at least a little better than your real life me? (And, for the love of my sanity, please tell me, how do you type up the plural form of 'me' without it looking weird?!!)