Saturday, January 1, 2011

The One With All the Pants

In our house, we've made a non-verbal pact to only go clothes shopping for Chris once every two years. There are several reasons for this.

First, Chris. Hates. Shopping. (Let me rephrase that). Chris hates shopping for anything non-electronic or entertainment related. He would give up eating for a month in order to deck out his PC with a new power supply and graphics card, but he gives a compulsory mouth-vomit every time I mention the s-word (shopping) and goes into full on dry heaves if I tell him we are going clothes shopping for him.

Second, I hate shopping for Chris. Now, Chris is a manly man, a guy's guy and all that, but when it comes clothes, he can throw down the picky princess card faster than a 15-year-old girl. It always ends with both of us wanting to go postal on retail outlets and each other. It's just not pretty.

Finally, two years is enough time for hubby's clothes to wear out to the point that he is forced to buy clothes, by sheer lack of any other option, without me having to do anything at all. Our marriage wouldn't survive if we had to go any more frequently.

The week before Christmas our two year statute was up. One of his two pairs of pants got worn enough through the knee that we both knew the jig was up. I told him I refused to wash his one pair often enough for him to wear them every day and he, thank goodness, refused to just wear them out of spite, regardless of smell.

We loaded up the kids, went to Kohl's, and parked the car. I sent Chris in alone to grab the exact same style of jeans as the ones that were worn out and I sat in the car with the boys. (Luke knows all the stores in our area and refuses to go into a single one that carries only clothing or home decor).

I didn't encourage him to try on other brands or styles, I knew from previous experience that he wouldn't like them. He sticks with what works and I'm okay with that. After 45 minutes of trying on jeans, he came back with a single pair of jeans, exactly like the ones he already had. We were set for two more years.

The next day Chris wore the pants to go see Tron and when he came home he immediately told me that he didn't like the pants. "They just don't feel like the ones I had. They fit weird," he explained. I nostril flared him so he would know the extend of my disdain for what he was telling me.

We went back to Kohl's the next day and I sent him in alone to return the pants, while the boys and I waited in the car. Half an hour later he came back empty handed. "I'll get some another time. I'm too tired right now". Um kay, fine.

After Christmas it became painfully obvious that he needed pants NOW. We loaded up the kids for a third time and went back to Kohl's. This time, after much whining from everyone, the boys and I went in with Chris. The boys ran around the store like banshees while I gave Chris every single pair of jeans I could find in his size. He tried Comfort Fit, Relaxed Fit, Regular Fit, Boot Cut, Straight Leg, Low Rise, Mid Rise, and every other fit, cut, and rise available.

TWO HOURS LATER, battered, tired, and weak, we walked out of the store with his size in Relaxed Fit, Straight Leg Levi's, the exact same style and color of the jeans that had worn out.

"That's so weird," he said "maybe it was just that one pair that didn't fit right. Maybe something was wrong with them."

"Maybe something is wrong with you", I thought.

But this tale doesn't end there my friends. No, the next day when Chris went to work, he reached into the pocket of his perfectly fitting, fantastic pair of jeans and felt a piece of paper. When he pulled it out, it was none other than HIS ticket stub from the last time he went to see Tron.

That's right folks.

He bought the same pair of jeans TWICE! And for MORE MONEY!

And that is the tale of how it will now be four years before we go clothes shopping for Chris again.

The end.


And Happy New Year from the Fruitcake side of town!


Rachel Elaine said...

That is absolutely the funniest story. I can totally identify. Emily is just the same. . . I'm hoping she out grows it, but maybe not???
Happy New Year!

Amanda Edwards said...

Only you guys would have something like this happen to you and I think it is hilarious! Hope you all have a happy new year!

Michelle said...

Lol!!! no way! that is too funny. I'm so sorry for how crazy it was to go shopping, but seriously, thats a great story!

Crystal said...

haha..oh too funny!! I can relate, I absolutely HATE shopping for myself, I wish I had a personal shopper b/c I just hate it. I'm glad he found a pair of pants and i'm glad you have this hilarious story to hang over his head now! haha

MissRissa said...

It's like you're living my life. I feel like I'm talking to a two year old when I take Jim shopping, "You can choose to have a good experience or you can make it miserable for everyone around you." "You can have a reward when we're done." "Just put the !#@$ pants on." Okay, maybe not that last one.

D. said...

Erin, now you need to go and buy three more pairs of the same thing, just put them in his closet/drawer one at a time and he will never know. But they will last for four years! They will be the 'magic' jeans that never wear out. Hey wait! You could just keep that up for years and never have to take him shopping again!

Rachel said...

okay that's awesome!! hilarious...he can't ever doubt his pickiness again.

Stephani said...

Hilarious! I just love reading your posts - fantastic writing!

Stephanie said...

This is so oddly familiar. You're hilarious. That story was hilarious.

Stephanie said...

Maybe Doug and Chris (and I see from Marissa's post) and Jim should just go shopping together...since it's apparently painful for all of them to shop. Can you just imagine? I just thought of this now, thus the separate comment.

Becca said...

That is hilarious!!!!!!!!!! And I thought Steve was bad.

Brit said...

Thank you for providing me with comedic relief this morning :-) I laughed so hard!! And if I ever see him in jeans I am sure to giggle.

erinfaun said...

Chris is just following in dad's footsteps. Dad doesn't shop at all. Dad has probably worn the same style/brand/fit of pants for the last 20 years. He just goes on in and picks them up. I didn't think it was hereditary. :)

woolspinner said...

This is hilarious. The guys in my life are exactly the same. I just have two words to say: Mail Order. Keep a note of his size and preference and send away for the clothes. Much easier on everyone's nerves.