Monday, February 11, 2008

The Science of Gym People

Okay. I've refrained from touching this subject for weeks now because I feared my pitiful wallowing would be too...well, pitiful. So, I will attempt an impartial scientific study. Let me start by saying there are three types of subjects I will study: "gym people", "non-gym people", and "non-gym people who go to the gym"....don't laugh, this is scientific evidence you are mocking. Allow me to do some brief catagorization for you.

Subject A: GYM PEOPLE (GP): Of the genus sinewicus muscularicus. A fairly rare specimen. Known for their flawless physique and perfectly sculpted musculature. Has the ability to glisten instead of sweat. Genetic makeup that rivals Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Of special interest: members of this species don't necessarily have to go to a gym to fit into this category. Keenly graceful and perfectly proportioned.

Subject B: NON-GYM PEOPLE (NGP): Of the genus whatthe hellicus. In scientific studies this species would rather have eaten the gym sock of the GP species than go to the gym. Subjects prefer to enhance their physique through more "non-violent" exercise tactics.

Subject C: NON-GYM PEOPLE WHO GO TO THE GYM (NGPWG2TG): Of the genus sweaticus profusicus. Species noted for their excessive sweating and redness of face. Specimens tend to have saddle bags and spider veins and are somewhat uncoordinated. These are an average variety that are very commonly found trying to mimic the GP species.

So, now that we have looked at the scientific buildup of these different types of species, let's categorize ourselves, shall we? I fit perfectly into the NGPWG2TG group. I go to the gym, but I am NOT a gym people. I sweat profusely. My face turns a nice shade of fire-engine red. I'm very uncoordinated. I have saddle bags and spider veins and if my chest gets any smaller I will seriously consider ditching the bra and using it to support my backside instead of my front. I wear t-shirts and my hair always looks like I stuck my hand in a socket. I'm a perfect specimen. Sad, I know.

But at least I have now been able to scientifically explain why I can't be that girl at the gym who wears her hair down, has tight abs, who glistens instead of sweats, who has the perfect ratio of chest to rear--we are just different species. I'm comparing apples to oranges...or in this case, kiwis to watermelons. So, I will just have to be content trying figure out ways to be better than myself when I go to the gym...like seeing if I can beat my record on how many times I can jiggle my bum in one class period.


*Note: The scientific community has not validated these statements. These are, in fact, the ramblings of a commoner and are not meant to offend anyone, but are merely intended to poke fun at the author. Please don't send me hate mail.

6 comments:

Megan said...

Erin, you're killing me girl!! :) the chuckles haven't subsided yet. It is so great to "hear" your voice...venting, no less. Life seems, at the very least, entertaining enough to write about. I miss you.

stephanie said...

Erin, so good to see you've joined the blog-wagon. You've got some pretty funny stuff here.

Lisa said...

Wait a second . . . have you been stalking me? Small chest, jiggly backside - yep, sounds like me! I guess those things are just the casualties of motherhood! :)

Kelsey said...

Ha! You crack me up! Whatever- you have one of the cutest bodies and you do so good at the gym! You kicked massive butt in that class today. Way to go!

Miss Rissa said...

Erin, you are hilarious! I don't know what you're talking about *crazy* !!! Crazy funny is more like it!

Rachel said...

I tried to start a blog once and after finally managing to get a picture of us posted I gave up....this, this gives new and better meaning to the word blog, you should write a column....you know i'm in the sweating, red face, look like I'm going to pass out non gym person and I don't even go to the gym so it is all getting worse, plus when I wear a t-shirt now, I am confused for a guy...if only we could go to the gym together you would look in stark comparison to me and would likely be taken for a gym person